New Adventures and Anniversaries

I start my new job on Monday. I am looking forward to it in so many ways.

I am looking forward to being back in our regular weekday routine, to an office, to using that part of my brain. I am looking forward to learning about a new technology, to creating something new. I'm looking forward to a paycheck and no more weekly calls to the department of unemployment assistance.

I am nervous, too. I am nervous about meeting the people with whom I will be working, making a good impression, making the right choices for tools and approaches, and so on.

I'm making a lot of lists!

I am also nervous about the timing of this new adventure. The anniversary of C's illness is upon us and although I thought I was doing mostly fine about it, I'm not 100% sure about that anymore.

The writing I did last year was incredibly helpful for processing some of the more difficult emotions around that time, but I'm by no means "over" that event. I don't think I ever will be. It shook me to the core, and I think there will always be little cracks and fissures deep inside. I'm trying to learn to live with them, to make peace.

C is doing great, for the most part. I suspect that some of his recent grumpiness is anniversary-related. And hormones, too.

I noticed recently that I have a hard time disciplining C in the springtime. I feel guilty when I do so, even if the discipline is appropriate and necessary. It's like there's a little voice saying, "Forget it! Just be thankful he's alive!" And yes, I am thankful he's alive, but if I give in to that voice, I'm afraid I will be giving over to the hardest, scariest of the emotions and just collapse into a blubbering, non-functional heap. Not parenting him would be the wrong thing to do, for both of us. I'm not going to "get over" what happened to C, but we both have to go on and continue living our lives.

Between the anniversary and the job stress of the last few months, part of me does feel a bit wobbly. Not dangerously so, but wobbly. No one at this new office knows a thing about that time in my life. It may or may not be appropriate to tell them about it in those first days and weeks, even if those first days and weeks are when it's most likely to manifest itself in some way.

As with everything, I'll have to take it step by step.