Pushed Away

When I was young - 10 or 11 - my mother told me I was an accident. Not unplanned, not a surprise. "Accident" was the word she used. While I was not surprised by this revelation as she hadn't shown much interest in me, really, it was hurtful.

My relationship with my mother is complex and often like walking on egg shells. We are not close. I never know what is going to set her off. A few times over the years she has expressed an interest in having a closer relationship, and I've tried to do that, but there's been no follow through on her end. Times I've tried to reach out have been wholly ignored.

I have many stories about her. Among the many tidbits:

She questioned whether hubby and I should have a wedding (because we'd lived together - this from the woman who had an affair, divorced my dad and married the guy in a wedding, albeit small), showed no interest in or offered any support - emotional or otherwise - for the wedding, then threw a fit that her name wasn't on the invitation.

She doesn't show much interest in my kids - except to complain that none of the kids were named after her side of the family (neither I nor my siblings have any family names, mind you). She sends a card and all for their birthdays, but no real interest. No calls. I do my best to shield the kids from her disinterest; I make excuses for her not calling, etc.

For years she never acknowledged my birthday, and when she did, she'd get the day wrong.

Through all this, she is still my mother. I am concerned about her. She's getting older. I try to talk to her a couple times a month.

I've been trying to reach my mom for about a week now. Mother's Day and all. No answer, no call back.

Turns out my mother had knee replacement surgery last week. It was her 2nd one. She did this not telling thing last time, too, and two years ago when she had back surgery that was an absolutely disaster.

You might want to say, oh, she's a private person. Thing is most of the rest of the world knows. My sister knew prior to surgery, but was away when it actually happened. My brother learned about it the night before. My cousins knew long since, as did her brother and sister-in-law. Her cousin, H, to whom I was closer when we lived down south knew. Friends. There apparently is a stack of get well cards waiting for her.

But tell her daughter? Nope.

I can only conclude that if she doesn't want to communicate the basics with me that I just need to get it through my thick skull that she doesn't want me in her life. She never did.