We Talked

I met A at the local Chinese restaurant last night to talk. It was hard, but good. She is taking this very seriously.

She gave me a letter D had written. D apologized for being in a room with the door closed with S, but not the rest of it. It's a start, I guess.

A is trying to get an urgent appointment with a therapist - one I recommended a few weeks ago, actually. D and his dad, J, have a challenging relationship, and there have been some school struggles, which is why she wanted the name in the first place. I think I was right not to say anything to J on Sunday evening. In fact, he still doesn't know. Although I feel uncomfortable with that knowledge, A explained her reasoning, and I can't argue with it. She wants to tell J in a therapist's office, in a safe place. There are many levels of family issues being revealed in what has happened. J is very results oriented and really doesn't know how to relate to D. Apparently J has already talked about sending D to boarding school, and A worries that this event will seal that deal. D is still A's little boy, she still thinks there's room to help him figure it all out at home.

(J reminds me of my dad in some ways - and not the best parts. All about the results, not the process, difficulty relating at times. When my brother was an adolescent, my father had a hard time relating to him. They ended up sending him away to a boarding school. It took decades for the relationship to be repaired, and I am not sure that it was ever fully repaired.)

I am still very upset with D for what he did, but I want him to get real help, not be sent away. If boarding school is the right thing for him, I want it to be for issues separate from this, for the "right" reasons. I'm very concerned for A. I tried to reassure her that I do not blame her in any way and I have a lot of concern for D, and care for the whole family. I offered to talk to J, when he learns of it, to reassure him of our concern, that S is okay, that we don't blame him or A, etc.

She said that she told D that the families would be taking a break from each other for a bit. I didn't press her on that. I'm not sure if that will be mean M and P, too. I don't know how that will play out.

I reassured her that I think S is okay. For S, hopefully, this is a weird blip. We may have dodged something big, but the point is we dodged it (I am trying to hold on to that thought as much as I can). Hopefully for all of us.

In terms of my immediate family, I feel better about things. I feel like we handled it as best we could - though my husband and I will be feeling some emotional fallout from this for a long while. I am concerned for my friend - very concerned. For her things may be just beginning - and I can only hope that in the end it will be for good. Even as I redouble my efforts to protect my daughter, and talk appropriately to my sons and daughter, I'll try to support her as I can, as she allows.

On the way out of the restaurant, I was preoccupied (obviously). There was a large group in one corner that I hadn't even noticed. As I walked by I never made eye contact with anyone or looked in their direction, but recognized two people out of the corner of my eye and realized it was this gathering of people from our former church called, "God on Tap." Just as I realized that, this voice rose loudly out of the otherwise low-level din, and I heard, "..and we're all enjoying this time together!" It was the rector, R. Asshole.