Advent

A couple weeks ago, M asked when we were going to go to church again. He's asked before.. I gave him kind of a vague answer, but this time, that wouldn't do. He really wanted to know.

I kinda quizzed him about why he wanted to go and where. He said it was going to be Advent soon and he really likes Advent. (What 10 year old talks about Advent like that? This is not the first time I've considered he might be a priest when he grows up. Or an engineer. I wonder what his love of show tunes means about his other attributes?) And he understood we wouldn't go to the old church. Could we go to that other one a couple towns away, where me and his dad know the rector?

I said we'd find a time. But I'd really been enjoying my Sunday mornings in pajamas.

This weekend turned out to be as good a time as any. My husband is away (he rarely goes/went to church), and C agreed to hang out with S for the morning, so it could be just me and M. (Have I mentioned having a kid old enough to look after the younger kids is just lovely?)

We get there and people are friendlier than they've been in a long time at our old church. Within a couple minutes, M had a compliment on the shirt he was wearing and I had two on what a great color my coat is for me (slightly muted turquoise velvet). We find a pew, and just as I am about to sit down, we see.. Fr. M! The former rector of our old church, the one who's retirement from active ministry set off this whole chain of events at the old place. He gave me a big, warm hug, and an equally warm hug for M.

THAT is what has been missing from the old church! That pure warmth.

Fr. M is not the main priest at this church, though. Fr. G, the priest who did our premarriage counseling way back when in another state. Fr. M is just a regular assistant when not filling in for vacationing priests at other churches in the area.

The service itself was fine - no, very nice. Thoughtful sermon. People were warm. There were parts of the service I've been missing, some bits I've forgotten (I used to be able to NOT crack the Book of Common Prayer and do it all from memory). Seeing Fr. M was lovely, seeing Fr. G was lovely, seeing K, Fr. M's wife was lovely, too. It was a very nice morning.

And I am not at all ready to go back to church regularly. I'm not there yet. I feel okay about going every once in a while, especially if M needs it. But no more. I'm still too suspicious of orgnized religion at this point.

When I left Christian Science (almost 30 years ago!), it took years for me to sort out the difference between institution and faith. It took time for me to figure out that I did still believe in God even though I didn't believe in the Christian Science church. I've been with this denomination for more than 20 years now, and while I feel some comfort in the familiarity of the service, the institution is secondary to my belief in God. Enjoying my Sunday mornings in pajamas doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about faith and God and looking for ways to be a better person or to give more back to my community; it just didn't happen to do it within a specific four walls with a saint's name out front.

It's appropriate, I guess, that even though I'm not ready to go to any church regularly, that going back to any church for the first time since that whole fiasco happened during Advent. It's a beginning, just as the season of Advent is a beginning. I just think it's going to be a long, long while before I feel comfortable being part of a church again.