Church Stuff, Revisited

Early last week, I was compelled to write a letter to the vestry of the church stating my concerns. I was careful not to be confrontational, though I did clearly state what I think has been missing in the church directly corresponds to the arrival of new leadership. I wrote about the sense of love and acceptance and finding our way in a wider world missing now.

I had a some email responses from vestry members. A couple thanked me for voicing what they had been feeling for a long time, while others called it “vague.” I guess I can see both sides.

That afternoon, the junior warden called me. I spoke with him for a bit, again while trying not to be confrontational or pointing fingers. He kept reiterating that he thought this was about “style” differences. I insisted it was more than that. I told him – and it’s very true – I would NOT go to the rector if I was having a problem. My gut is telling me the whole situation is not right.

I learned to listen to my gut feelings when C was getting sick. Although C had already been to the doctor and was on antibiotics and I had been told it would be a couple days until he felt better, had I not listened to my gut instinct and taken him in that Tuesday morning in 2003, he probably would not be here today. There’s a reason it’s called instinct.

Anyway, the next day, R, the rector called, as I expected. He asked to meet with me. I figured since I had written the letter, I needed to be available and open to meeting him. We agreed to 11:30AM this past Wednesday, ample time after his 10:00AM service and after my usual Wednesday morning errands. I chose a public, neutral place – the bakery near the harbor.

It’s interesting that after suppressing feelings about the situation at the church for so many months, when I finally opened the door just a crack to admit some of it, more came rushing out. I could not close that door again. Among other things, I realized I do not feel physically comfortable around the guy. I didn’t realized it, but even my husband noticed that I would physically avoid the guy at church. I would go around him when he was at the back of the church greeting those arriving or departing, and I would move when he came near at coffee hour. Since my husband has been to church four times in the last year, that he noted this in those brief observations is interesting.

In the days that followed setting up that meeting, I felt extremely anxious and even nauseous when I thought about it. After speaking with one of the vestry members (E) at baseball on Friday evening, I decided I needed someone else with me.

I emailed another woman I know, H, who is on the vestry and asked her if she could be there. Not for any conversational input, but just to physically be there and hear what happens. She agreed. I emailed R and said I wanted H to be there for my physical comfort and would that be okay with him. I wanted to be upfront and fair about this; I did not want to blindside him.

Then I emailed the rector of a church a few towns north whom I know from years past (he led our premarriage counseling in another state in the early 90s) and asked for advice. He was helpful in suggestions for considering what I want to happen and approaches.

In the meantime, I saw people around town. People who have drifted away, or plain left. The sentiment is the same - things aren't right, the love is gone, we need help. We need a change. I encouraged each of them to write letters to the vestry. I told them I had. We'll see if that happens.

As the meeting approached, I felt more nervous. H and I agreed to meet at 11:00 to settle for a bit before R arrived.

On Wednesday, I walked up to the bakery at 10:55AM. R was already there, waiting for me. I was surprised and I stammered as I said I just needed to get a coffee. He didn’t even acknowledge S. H, unfortunately, was late. I tried to take my time in the bakery, getting a treat for S and a coffee for me, gathering my thoughts. He came in, and hovered while I did this, kept asking where we should sit, and I kept saying please give me a few minutes. I felt totally ambushed.

We sat down, and I was still discombobulated. A few minutes later H walked up, and, bless her, forcefully said, “What happened to 11:30?” R hesitated and replied, “I put it down as 11:00.” Now he may or may not have – but the spidey sense tingled again. The 10:00AM Wednesday service usually lasts about 50 minutes, so the 11:30 time was designed by me to give ample time to clean up and wind down from that. Of course, there may have been no one there for the 10:00 service.

The conversation began, and it went all over the place. It's still gelling. Among other things....I laid into him on that awful sermon. He said, "I'm sorry it didn't work for you," emphasizing the "for you" part (I confirmed with H that she heard that, too). He thinks the people who are unhappy right now are just a few, a handful - that the variations in numbers and money is "normal" (We’ve gone from a surplus a year ago to almost 100K deficit). I reiterated that it is not - I've watched normal and this is not normal.

I said that although he has the authority to make any change he wants, making changes in a vacuum is going to alienate people. I told him he needed to back off all changes, call and get to know everyone in the congregation, starting with the people who have drifted away (which I will admit will be hard since he has no idea who they are), ask himself for every change he wants to make whether it is something that will enhance what we have or fix something that is not broken.

I also asked him if he thought he had made any mistakes in the last year. He seemed rather surprised by the question, and didn't answer. I don't think he's ever considered that.

I said I thought he had bishop aspirations, but that we deserved to be more than a stepping stone to that goal. He claimed he does not, that he loves parish work but he spends enough time at the diocesan level that I wonder. He's clearly very good at "managing up."

There's other stuff, but it's still swirling. Oh, ZERO interaction with S. Not even a smile. And lots of openings to ask questions to get to know me, and none were taken. After that, I was even more sure that he is not in the right place. He doesn't get it.

There were points I wanted to make that I didn't get a chance to - like this is OUR church not his church or my church or H's church and he needs to make decisions based on what is good for the church, not what is good for him.

After he left, H and I sat for a while. She told me that after I emailed both of them about her being there R called her and asked her why I wanted her there. She said, no, he should ask me. R then says he's going to reply to me that it's fine, blind copying H - even though H was already on the emails, etc. Weird.

H told me about a few other things. A, the office administrator, was fired this week. She's been in and out on medical leave for about a month - the stress of working with him has been manifesting itself physically with her. After S, the Christian Ed director leaves on Sunday, R will be the ONLY person in the office. And also R’s wife and son are very unhappy here. I’m sorry for that, but I think it’s symptomatic of these bigger problems. No one is happy, really.

M, the rector who retired three years ago, has been asked to perform services. He still does supply work. Very few want R to perform the transitional rites. It puts M is a tough spot. He doesn’t want to interfere, but it must be horrible to watch what he built over 18 years fall apart. He’s being judicious in accepting what rites to perform and where.

I told H that if a change was made, I would recommit fully to the rebuilding process (which, at this point could take years), but otherwise I really didn't think I could teach Sunday School in the fall. I don't know what to do about pledges. I may specify a fund (buildings and grounds) instead of just sending it in generally.

Then S drove by, saw us and stopped. Apparently the diocese is coming for a walk-through today. C, the sexton, let it drop that it's to evaluate R’s claimed need for additional clergy and/or a seminarian to support the parish. We’re so in the red we can't afford anyone! We can't pay our diocesan assessment this year! There was an "all-parish" meeting on Tuesday about the direction of Christian Ed – seven (7!) people showed up (our official census is over 1000, 700 active a year ago). R apparently started talking about how far to extend the search for a Christian Ed person (and he's pushing for an ordained person). We suspect he has a specific person in mind. In Seattle.

S told us about several others who have come to her. She’s encouraged them all to write to the vestry and diocese. The dissatisfaction is multi-generational.

Then I left, and called J, the woman whose departure pushed me to act. She and a couple others have called and emailed the bishop in the last 24 hours - they want to make sure the bishop is aware of the issues. We also keep hearing about more people who are planning to write letters. Just hope they follow through.

I ended up emailing the bishop myself, but it wasn’t to detail anything, just to say please hear what has already been said, and please investigate what is happening here. Neither he nor his staff has responded.

Anyway, I don't think R is a bad person. I just don't think this is a fit! We've spent a year supporting him, giving him space in the transition, but the transition should be winding down and everyone should be settled by now. My mission in all this is not to bring him down, it's to bring our church back. There was a parish picnic on Sunday to say goodbye to S (we were at our walk), and it was well-attended - but he doesn't understand that people came for S. This coming Sunday is likely to be sparse. I don’t know a single person who intends to go to church this summer. We’re all “taking a break,” even vestry members like H and E.

I'm fairly surprised about how compelled I feel to act in this way. I don't have any regrets so far, and I am glad I have spoken up. Something may happen sooner, or it may happen later. I don't know. It's emotionally exhausting, but I feel like I am speaking up for many people. Our church was not perfect, but it was good. And I want to get back to that.