Transatlantic Grief

I couldn't find the phone when it rang this evening, just as I was going to start dinner. M answered it; I assumed it was my husband letting us know which train he was on. But then I could just make out some confusion in M's voice, so I called out to him to bring me the phone.

M handed me the phone and said somewhat quizzically, "I think it's somebody in Norway."

Ah. It was MR.


MR is an old friend of my husband's family. I'm not sure where or how the connection began, but it is going on fifty years, I think. My husband remembers her and her husband throughout his childhood and the name has been familiar to me since long before my husband and I were married. However, I have never met MR - I've only heard rather charming stories and spoken with her on the phone.

We've had four or five calls from MR in the last couple of years after at least a decade of nothing. The first time she called she was looking for help, and she told a rather incredible story.

It seems her husband, who was no longer her husband, had long been maintaining a double life. For much of the time she was married, he was high up on a cruise line and was based out of Germany. In Germany, he had a second wife/mistress with whom he lived openly. When MR and the kids would come for a visit, this woman would move out. When MR and the kids would leave, she would move back in. He would come "home" to visit in Norway as if all was normal. This was an open secret among his colleagues on the cruise line.

When the whole thing came out, MR and her husband divorced. It must have been very difficult, that level of betrayal. I don't know what happened next, but the (ex)husband ended up retiring to a town about 30 miles from where we live now. He had little contact with his kids (now grown, and one with children of his own). Eventually, the (ex)husband was diagnosed with oral cancer, finally married his long-time girlfriend, and died shortly before MRs first call to us.

(Why she called us instead of other family members is still a mystery to us, but at this point it is what it is.)

In that first call, MR was looking for possible legal help. From what she told us (and I don't know if it's true), in Norway, his substantial cruise line pension would have gone in part to the kids, his aging and infirm mother, and even some to MR. Perhaps there were additional provisions in the divorce decree, too. But the current wife was refusing to share at all and since there seems not to be any sort of agreement between the US and Norway on such "domestic" matters, MR was pretty well screwed. While catching up with MR, we tried to direct her to some legal resources.

It was distressing to hear the story, but nice to be back in touch. We had some cards back and forth that Christmas.

But probably three more times in the last couple years, MR has called again, and it's been more than a friendly "let's catch up" call. It's seemed she's really lonely and just needs someone to talk to. I figure with the time difference it's really, really late there and there's no one local she can call. I'm not about to hang up on her.

It was that way tonight. She'd just been in Denmark for the christening of a grandchild and was saying how much like his father one of her sons looks. She went off a bit on how the (ex)husband was a drug-addict, too, and a thief, and all sorts of things. She wasn't making a whole lot of sense.
At some point, it occurred to me that she probably was fairly inebriated.

She sounded so sad. I think this woman is still deeply, deeply hurt by the betrayal of her husband, whom she supported emotionally for decades and who, by virtue of where he died, has left her in difficult financial straits - and caring for his mother. I've never met MR, yet she calls from time to time - just happens to be at times when my husband (whom she knows much better, of course) isn't home and she gets me, just to talk to someone, maybe anyone.

I guess I'm glad I/we can be here for her. I try to ask questions about her life, to pull her away from the hurt parts she can't change. Is that the right thing to do? I don't know. I really don't know her at all. She's a voice on the phone and charming stories. I have no idea what she looks like! It's just such an odd situation.

I'm sure MR will call again. Maybe soon, maybe not. I hope when she wakes up in the morning that she can find the ibuprofen quickly, and maybe a local friend. She says she wants to keep in touch and wrote down our email and snail mail addresses again. She says she wants to send photos and see some of our kids. Sad or not, she is sweet. I think she truly means well.

By the way, K, she asked after you and E. She says she wants to keep in touch with all of us. If she ever does email, I'll pass it along.