Excuse Me While I Wallow for a Few Minutes
This crap with my sister keeps welling up. My oldest nephew's birthday was yesterday, and while he was speaking to C said, "Why doesn't your mom let you come out to see us?"
Which was totally unfair because my nephew and I have discussed my concerns about visits long before a visit request was made. And he agreed with them, even.
So now we have tension within the house because C, at 12, doesn't truly understand. He just thinks I am being mean.
What he doesn't understand is that I really wish that I had that kind of family. I wish I had an immediate family that I could turn to for support. I wish I could send him out there for a visit with confidence, knowing that he'd be safe and have a lot of fun.
I don't have that kind of family. They have never been that. I'm talking my mom, my sister and my brother. My dad was great - until his 2nd wife started complicating things, and then he got sick.
I could go into story after story of non-support while I was in college, when I was getting married, during stints of unemployment, health issues, and on and on. All the while, when something was going on with them (particularly my sister), I was expected to drop everything and "be there" - taking every phone call and sometimes flying out.
I have, very intentionally, made my own life. Far away. Because if was trying to do any of this close to them, I would get sucked into the day-to-day drama and shit. Heck, my husband would like nothing more that to move to southern California - but we never will as long as it is within easy visiting distance of my family. When he starts daydreaming all I have to say is, "My sister will visit." And that ends that.
I know making this break was the right thing for me, for my sanity. I am trying to build a family life for my kids far different from what I experienced. In the process, I have tried to accept my family for what they are.
But you know what? As much as I have worked for accepting them for what they are, and as much as I am okay with it most of the time, sometimes it still hurts. It hurts that they don't offer any support. It hurts that they are so manipulative and untrustworthy. It hurts that they are so nasty.
It just hurts.
4 comments:
J -- Of course this stuff is painful. And of course you're doing the right thing. Your kids will never wonder whether they were loved. Your kids will grow up with an incredibly strong foundation for good productive lives. As adults, your kids will never answer a question by saying "well, I may *seem* like I have it together, but that's only after a decade of intensive therapy."
You *know* the games your family plays. You know that your sister is playing people off of each other and setting up more drama, which seems to truly sustain her. And you know that you don't have to live like that anymore. From my observation, you spend a great deal of your life *not* living like that.
The painful part is when your own dear sweet innocent child gets sucked in to the games and drama. This too shall pass as your kids become adults and forge their own relationships and paths through the weirdness.
Hang in there. You are doing the right thing.
When your kids grow up they will understand--and they'll be so, so thankful you kept them away from that toxic environment.
I know that doesn't make it any easier in the meantime.
[hugs]
Of course it hurts honey...they are your family. But you are a grown up and so smart to stay away. It doesn't mean it's easy. I still get hurt by things in my family...even though I know better!
It becomes tiresome at times to be the mature one:-)
Hang in there and know you can wallow anytime you want --Love LT
Oh, lordy. I know, I know, I know. I still have not (and probably will not) let me kids go stay for a week, much less a weekend, alone with my parents. Nope. And they are only 5 hours away.
Nope nope nope.
I'm sorry this is causing you so much hurt, I so know what you're talking about. And it blows, because as much as they feel hurt, you feel cheated that you don't have the family you wish for. And you're aloowed your feelings, too.
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